Last night I had a nightmare. I won't go into any detail but it had everything to do with how I'm feeling about being menopausal. I think that I am now at peri-menopausal stage, and I'm having a really hard time with this.
I'm having the hardest time with the fact that I'm no longer young and desirable. I know for some women that really isn't an issue--it really doesn't bother them. They feel freer and happier, less pressured. I know it wasn't an issue for my mother. It is for me. It's a big issue.
I'm a Cancer and great deal of my self-esteem is rooted in my sexuality. I was married when I was not quite 22 years old. I was young and very pretty, and when I walked into a room, I could make every guy in the room's mouth drop open--all except for my husband. I gave my most beautiful, most desirable, most sexually charged years to a man who didn't give a shit. Eighteen years I gave to him, and then by the time I found someone who did care, she was sick and I was pre-menopausal and starting to decline. I feel like I've been robbed, and I'm grieving over it.
I want those lost years back.
Healthy desirability has absolutely nothing to do with youth. It has to do with inner qualities like depth, understanding, kindness, and self-knowledge. In relationships where desirability IS about youth, then it's shallow and will end when youth passes away. Thus, all the hype about cosmetic surgery, rock-hard abs, and empty-headed "pretty people", both male and female. I've never been attracted to that crap.
ReplyDeleteI'm still grappling with losing my looks, and it has taken me years to get to the place where I can laugh about it, regardless of how much it hurts inside. That's just my style, though; I've always masked my pain with humor.
I'm sorry that I've been ill. It's getting better, but being newly post-menopausal also is a factor.
I've been with "young and pretty" and it was the worst experience of my life, but it helped me to appreciate better, more substantial qualities.
You're still young and desirable, Wanze. It's all relative.
As we age, we gradually become invisible. Have you noticed that yet? Sometimes younger people would actually walk through us if we did not stand our ground. Instinctively, it seems, they expect us to stand aside or, at least, steer round them.
ReplyDeleteI guess I'm lucky in that I was never attractive - just a plain Jane. But I hate the other symptoms - the thinning hair, the easily-gained weight, the memory glitches. And living in a society where youth is idolized and age is denigrated, it makes it much harder to deal with menopause, I think, especially for women. Our society sells us the idea that age is something to be in terror of. Look at all the women's magazines: they are full of ads for "anti-aging" items. As if a magic cream could keep us from getting older. They scare us with age, then offer these great anti-aging things at prohibitvely expensive prices. Age, like everything else, has become a big profit-maker for the makeup manufacturers.
ReplyDeleteI have seen the photos of you when you were younger. Yes, you were very very pretty. But now you are beautiful. I know that this is a hard time for you, and I am going to be right there with you the whole way. You are experiencing natural menopause and I have been thrown into it due to surgery.
ReplyDeleteTry to rememeber my dear sister,that the beauty on the outside was never meant to last.
You are a stunningly attactive woman and your beauty shines from the very depths of your soul. That will last forever if you let it.
I love you Nettl. If there is anything I can do to make this transition easier, please let me know.
Big big hugs to you